This is the first case I (Zhang Jian) have coached. I got paid for the first time, and it was a success. I don't do free coaching! I used to have a regular job, but starting in September 2025, I started my own business. I launched three projects, and helping children quit gaming (or control their gaming time) is one of them.
From a financial perspective, this project is far less profitable than the other two. But it's the one I value the most, because my future life mission will revolve around it.
Let's talk about the case first. The child is a ninth-grade boy studying in an experimental class at a key school in a first-tier city. The school and parents are very competitive about children's grades. The parents are usually busy with work and can only accompany their child on weekends and evenings (which is similar to the situation in many Chinese families).
When he was young, he was often looked after by his grandparents, who spoiled him and couldn't control his mobile phone use. His parents would try to control it, but he would play secretly. When he had no phone to play with, he used his pocket money to buy two phones.
The parents would sometimes disconnect the internet (turn off the home Wi-Fi), and the child would go outside to find a free Wi-Fi connection. As a result, the child played more and more games, and his addiction grew stronger.
In addition, after entering junior high school, his mother had higher expectations for his schoolwork. The child was constantly pushed to focus on his grades, which led to him developing a dislike for school. And now that he's older, his resistance is stronger. Often, as soon as his parents start to lecture him, he retorts with a single sentence.
It just so happened that the child broke his leg playing basketball during the summer vacation of 2025 and needed to recuperate at home. During his recovery, he basically spent all his time playing games. After school started, the cast was removed, but the habit of playing games and watching videos that he had developed while recovering from his leg injury could not be "removed."
The child used the excuse that his leg hadn't fully healed to not go to school and continue playing games. In fact, it was mainly his aversion to school that made him believe in the "uselessness of studying," which he used to justify his truancy. Coupled with his gaming addiction, it was difficult for him to escape the virtual world on his own.
Seeing their child deliberately skipping school and playing games day and night, the parents became anxious. They enrolled in two online family education workshops, hoping to persuade their child to return to school through communication. However, the child continued to do as he pleased. It seemed the family education workshops didn't give them the results they wanted.
Fortunately, the parents didn't give up. They searched on WeChat's public account platform and found an old post I published this year, and they contacted me.
As soon as they contacted me, they asked if I was like those other family education coaches who only provide psychological support but can't solve the problem.
I told them I was different because I was once addicted to games myself and have a particularly accurate grasp of a player's psychology. It's normal for general family education coaching to not have a quick effect when it comes to helping children quit gaming addiction.
This is because those educators don't have a good grasp of the child's psychology. Also, their solutions are all the same, very general, and not targeted at solving the child's specific gaming addiction problem.
I climbed out of the abyss of gaming myself, and I paid a bloody price for it (disability, shortened life)! The solutions forged from my own blood, sweat, and tears, born from such a price, are almost all original. Of course, I welcome my peers to learn my methods. They don't need to credit Zhang Jian; they can just take them and use them. Helping one child is a victory.
Zhang Jian's Solution for the Ninth-Grader's Truancy and Gaming Problem
If there were no computer games and short videos, the child might feel that there's nothing interesting to do at home, that it's boring, and he might as well go to school. So, it's the games and videos that prevent the child from having the time to think about whether it's better to go to school or not.
Therefore, first, I clarified the most important goal with the parents: to get the child back to school and continue his studies!
Why? Because the school environment forces the child to put down his phone and learn. School teachers don't allow students to bring phones to school. All the classmates are studying, and the child's focus will passively shift from playing games to studying.
Once the child returns to school, his weekly gaming time will decrease by at least 60%. From a developmental perspective, a child learns nothing of value from games. In school, although the focus is mainly on exam scores, he can still learn real knowledge.
But why would the child obediently return to school? You have to understand that the child is playing games all day now; this is his solution to the difficulties of life and study! What he wants is to play games, to escape, to feel good! Now you want him to return to the uncomfortable state of studying, of course he won't do it.
How to break the deadlock?
In Zhang Jian's view, the logic of the solution is actually very simple, summed up in two words: "Wisdom" and "Reading". I have repeatedly emphasized that these two tricks are enough to solve the problem of excessive gaming and internet addiction in children. "Wisdom" refers to the heteronomy of a think tank; "Reading" refers to extensive reading.
Relying on the child to get out of the gaming quagmire on his own is too costly, takes too long, and is very likely to end in failure! Therefore, the "think tank" led by the parents must act together, give the child a divine assist, and implement heteronomy for the player. This is the fastest and most direct way to reduce the harm of excessive gaming.
"Reading" is to solve the problem of mindset. This will take a little longer to take effect, but it can cure the root cause! Reading is not just for the child to read extensively, but also for the parents. If parents don't grow, where will the solutions to problems come from? If you pay for an education expert to coach you, the expert will also want the parents to learn and grow themselves.
1. Determine the Educational Philosophy: Exam-Oriented or Quality-Oriented Education?
The problem lies in the parents' orientation towards their child's growth. The parents want their child to have good grades, believing that "good grades = good future; bad grades = bad future."
So they blindly demand good grades from their child, give him extra lessons, and sacrifice his playing time and time for learning extracurricular knowledge. The child has pitifully little time for autonomous learning, and gradually his curiosity about the world is worn away, and his learning of academic subjects becomes a chore.
At this point, if the child wants to rebel, the "uselessness of studying" becomes the best weapon, the best excuse. Over time, he may even truly believe that studying is useless.
The mother admitted that she used to push her child too hard to study. This 15-year-old boy is quite talented academically and has even won an award in mathematics. For a child like this, if he didn't dislike school and wasn't addicted to games, just studying normally in school, getting into a good university in the future would not be a problem at all.
The first-tier city where the child lives has an college entrance rate 5 times easier than Henan, Shandong, Jiangsu, and Guangdong, because the province's admission rate for prestigious universities is among the top three in the country. With such a geographical advantage, it's a real pity that the parents' wrong exam-oriented approach has led the child to become addicted to games and develop an aversion to school (the main factor is still the child himself).
So I guided the mother to first correct her educational philosophy. Stop being exam-oriented and turn to knowledge-oriented. Stop exam-oriented education and turn to quality-oriented education.
The wrong educational philosophy must be corrected. Otherwise, even if the child returns to school, the pressure from the family for good grades will remain the same. The child will still be under dual high pressure from school and family, which can easily lead to a continued aversion to school. Not only will his grades not improve, but he might also become even more addicted to the world of online games, making things worse.
Don't worry about how the child is doing in school, don't compare his grades with other students. Just make him understand that what he learns in school is academic knowledge. If he keeps this knowledge in his mind, he can use it flexibly in the future. Without learning this knowledge, there's no talk of application. Knowledge is power. Knowledge changes destiny, not exam scores.
If you raise a child in this way, he will be "content" every day, because he learns and consolidates knowledge every day, he makes progress every day, and the joy of learning will return!!!
Otherwise, if you compare his grades with his classmates, even if he ranks second in the province, there is still a top scorer above him. We don't compare with anyone, only with yesterday's self.
I also constantly instilled in these two parents that the knowledge taught by school teachers only accounts for 20% of the knowledge a child needs to grow. Children need comprehensive learning, including communication skills, financial literacy, resilience, self-learning ability, medical and health knowledge, financial knowledge, history, philosophy, psychology, and so on.
Learning only academic knowledge is one-dimensional. When faced with real-life problems that the teacher hasn't taught and the parents haven't taught (or the parents don't know themselves), they are still helpless.
Do parents have the guts to say, "We don't really care about what they teach in school"? If they dare to say this, it can be said that the parents are "on the road" to quality-oriented education.
Saying this doesn't mean we don't value school's academic education. It means that while we cope with academics, we don't increase our investment in academic education. We save time to buy books for our children, take them on trips, see exhibitions, participate in activities, and broaden their horizons.
2. Cultivate the Child's Problem-Solving Skills, Especially in Social Interaction.
In school, there are two things: one, learn knowledge. Two, learn to socialize. Social skills are an important soft skill for a person's career development and success, much more important than learning a little less knowledge. This is the real content of quality-oriented education.
School is a natural place for children to learn social skills. If a child doesn't go to school and plays games at home, he can never learn real-life social skills.
Through questioning, I learned that the child had some problems with social interaction at school. For example, the girl he liked liked someone else, his classmates gave him nicknames, made fun of him, and so on.
For example, if a child has difficulties in interpersonal communication, then it is a good opportunity to learn how to solve interpersonal problems in new ways through reading and discussion with his family. Then, by practicing with his classmates, he can solve the problems and his self-confidence can also be enhanced.
All of these problems are the child's own issues, and they are all excellent opportunities for growth. Without experiencing setbacks, one will surely mess up at critical moments and be unable to take on important responsibilities.
When the child solves the problem, his ability is improved, and in the future he can also help others solve similar problems. Value is thus generated in the process of solving problems.
In the process of the child solving social problems, the parents always play the role of a guide, and the child is always the protagonist. If the parents become the protagonist, the child will not learn the "spirit of responsibility." Parents guide, the child leads.
I encouraged the child to start dating early, but his mother thought he was too young, only 15, and that dating would affect his grades. I told the parents that the child is already 15 and is curious about the opposite sex. Dating can help a child grow quickly, especially in terms of social skills.
The state of mind and feeling of dating in one's teens is completely different from dating in one's twenties or thirties. When a teenager dates, he will have a great sense of accomplishment. This feeling of being one step ahead of others makes him feel that he is charming and will strengthen his self-confidence.
Starting to date in one's twenties is very common. Starting to date in one's thirties, one feels that one is not good at it and is prone to low self-esteem. This subtle change in mentality has a great impact. The less confident you are in dating, the more likely you are to avoid it, and then avoid more things you are not good at.
The parents asked me, won't puppy love affect his studies? I said, it does affect his academic performance, but are grades that important? We are doing quality-oriented education, learning knowledge, and playing with mentality. The more the little rabbit in your heart thumps, the faster you grow!
It's not that we don't want good grades, but when grades conflict with growth, we resolutely give up grades. I had a colleague before who was in his thirties and had never been in a relationship. His programming skills were famously good in the company, and he was also a top student from a 211 university, but when it came to dating, he was just a slacker. The main reason was his weak social skills.
Parents forbidding their children to date is actually an act of overstepping boundaries. Dating is the child's issue, not the parents'. For children who are keen on playing games, Zhang Jian encourages them to fall in love as soon as possible. A lover will control the player's gaming time; a lover is the most important member of the think tank.
3. Learn the Correct Wording for Communicating with Your Child.
The book series "Raising a Socially Competent Child" has three volumes, which I highly recommend. Because it solves an important problem: how to have a correct dialogue with your child. A correct dialogue can inspire children to think and let them come up with their own solutions to their own problems.
In daily conversations, one's thinking ability can be improved. Socrates, Confucius, and Wang Yangming were all very good at enlightening students through dialogue.
This parent was also very cooperative. After I recommended this book, she immediately ordered it. But she and her husband don't usually read, so I guess they won't read it even if they buy it. The cultivation of reading habits starts with solving problems in life.
I told them that if they don't read this book, their wording when talking to their child will be wrong, and the communication effect will be greatly reduced. Because she values wording, I used this to push her, and it must have hit the mark.
But I accidentally discovered a problem. The parents said that from now on, they would read in front of their child for an hour every day. In Zhang Jian's view, this is putting on a show for the child, not reading because they want to gain knowledge. Sooner or later, the act will be exposed. I promptly reminded the couple.
Actually, the Chinese title of this book is problematic. The English title is "Raising a Thinking Child," which should be translated as "培养一个爱思考的孩子" (Cultivating a Child Who Loves to Think). The main content is about how to talk to children. I think translating its Chinese title as "与孩子沟通的话术大全" (A Complete Guide to Wording in Communication with Children) is more accurate than "培养孩子的社会能力" (Raising a Socially Competent Child).
This can be said to be a good book whose Chinese market sales were ruined by a bad Chinese translation of the title.
In society and at home, there is only one thing to learn: "wisdom." The ability to apply knowledge flexibly is wisdom. Knowledge that is not taught in school should be taught by parents and society. If parents don't know how to inspire their children to think, they can't teach their children well.
How can parents inspire their children to think? They still need to learn and grow themselves. If Yang Zhenning's father wasn't a math professor, how could he have made such great achievements? Qiu Chengtong's father was also a professor! The level of the parents directly determines the floor of the child's achievement.
How can parents grow? The most economical and fastest way is for parents to develop the habit of reading themselves. The act of reading itself sets an example for the child. Otherwise, if the child asks back, "If reading is so useful, why don't I see you reading usually?", the parents will be speechless.
Because parents who don't read, fundamentally, believe that reading is useless! So don't blame your child for having the "uselessness of studying" theory; it's inherited!
4. Analyze the Child's Personality.
To better help the child, the parents and I studied the child's personality traits. I used Le Jia's "FPA Character Color Science" to analyze and conclude that the child has a yellow + red personality, with yellow being dominant.
People with a yellow personality like to be in control, want to change and influence others, and want others to listen to them. They value goals, easily conflict with others, and are relatively tough. They like to make decisions, have their own opinions, and like to manage people and things.
People with a red personality are enthusiastic, happy to share, happy to interact with people, open-minded, not fussy about details, and speak their minds. They like to listen to and are good at saying sweet words, and they pursue happiness. They are willing to admit mistakes and compromise, and their emotions are exposed. But they tend to forget what they promise others and are easily influenced by the outside world.
Parents need to remind the yellow-personality player from time to time: what is the use of playing games? There is no need to debate with him, just inspire him to think. Each time, agree on a gaming time with him and ask him to complete the "reading task." Ask him to finish reading the books recommended by Zhang Jian. Slowly, he will develop lofty dreams, understand that playing games is really useless, and eventually abandon games.
The method of "relying on a 'think tank' to control gaming time" works very well on players with a yellow personality. Because players with a yellow personality themselves have a pursuit of life achievements, they are also troubled by the interference of game temptations on their goal achievement. Now that there is a method that is beneficial to them, they support it with both hands.
The method of "relying on a 'think tank' to control gaming time" is perfect for players with a red personality. Because they also know that their self-control is relatively weak, playing games according to a plan with the approval of the "think tank" members makes their lives regular, and they will also feel the joy of a moderate and normal life.
5. Respond Flexibly.
After learning the wording, I also guided the parents to find all the reasons why the child did not go to school. By asking and observing, find the reasons, and then resolve these problems one by one.
When a child says he doesn't want to go to school, the subtext is that I have encountered some problems at school.
For example, if the academic pressure is heavy, then reduce his burden. When parents are firm in their quality-oriented education, they can completely prohibit their children from over-studying academic knowledge.
If there is a lot of homework, allow the child to do it selectively, only doing the difficult problems. Simple problems and problems that he can do should not be done, because they are of little value. Even encourage the child to do no homework at all! Because children need to learn extensively, and the breadth of knowledge learned in academic education is far from enough. We need to leave time for children to learn what they are interested in on their own.
In addition to studying, children also need entertainment, participation in family activities, and social activities. Parents should talk to the teacher and say that our family is conducting quality-oriented education and needs to leave extracurricular time for the child. Parents help their children reduce their burden.
Other problems are dealt with as they arise.
6. Psychological Massage for Parents.
Seeing that their child had not been to school for two months, the parents could be said to have had a psychological breakdown. They had very little confidence that their child could return to school, and they were very disappointed in their child, especially after attending two family education coaching classes and the child remained indifferent to their efforts.
I asked the parents to show me what the previous family education coaches had asked them to do, and I found that what they asked the parents to do could not touch the child's heart.
One of the subtexts of a child not going to school is: I have a lot of academic pressure!
The coach failed to grasp this key point and did not establish a quality-oriented education for the parents. The parents just dryly said that they wanted to reduce the child's burden, but the child did not see the sincerity, and even felt that the parents just wanted him to go to school and might add more pressure later. So the child did not intend to return to school at that time.
I then asked the parents to hold a family meeting with both parents present. Sincerely apologize to the child! Reflect on the past wrong educational line of being exam-oriented, and clearly tell the child that from now on, our family will start quality-oriented education, focusing on cultivating the child's problem-solving ability.
The things the child was worried about are finally no longer a concern.
In addition, the family education coach, on the grounds of protecting the child's self-esteem, asked the parents to lie to the class teacher, saying that the child's leg injury had not healed, to cover up the fact that the child disliked school and played games at home all day.
This is a serious mistake. A child who plays games all day is actually suffering from "gaming disorder," which is a mental illness. The family education coach's approach kept the class teacher and the school in the dark about the child's situation, unable to provide help, and the child could not benefit from the school as a think tank.
I asked the parents to immediately notify the class teacher and ask for the class teacher's help.
At the same time, I arranged for the parents to contact a few of the child's good classmates to meet with the child, saying that everyone missed him very much and needed him. Without him, the school has become less interesting. This is to use the power of the classmate think tank!
In contrast to the family education coach's approach, they wanted to blindly protect the child's self-esteem. Protecting the child's self-esteem is not wrong, but the mistake is that they don't know that the child now needs the power of the classmate think tank to help him escape the game world.
And the child has a yellow + red personality. The child's self-esteem is not as strong as that of a blue personality. A child with a yellow personality values results, and the result he currently wants is: to be able to learn and grow, and to be able to play games!
When the parents gave the child both "learning and growth" and "playing games," this highly intelligent child had no reason to refuse.
But the parents still had no confidence. For two days, the parents asked me this question: "Do we need to send the child to an internet addiction treatment center?"
I replied that your child is not that serious. The situation of children who are sicker is not your family's situation. Those children don't even talk to their parents. Although your child often talks back to you, at least the door to communication is still open.
The child can't control himself and plays on his phone all day. The situation looks quite serious, but when you say you want to take the child out to play, he is still willing. The child has not explicitly refused to participate in a school social practice activity, which shows that the child still has a yearning for school.
In addition, your child likes to play basketball, and children who play basketball are sunny. Classmates sometimes like to joke with your son, which at least shows that your son is not a withdrawn person and is still popular.
And your child is good at math, so he is at least confident in his studies. A child like this would not generally reject school if he were not forced by academic pressure.
I also told the parents that the school the child is currently attending is the best internet addiction treatment center. The school is a natural place to control games! Here, the child will not have pressure, because this is where he should be.
Finally, the child's parents still had no confidence in their child returning to school. A week in advance, I clearly told him, next Monday, your son will return to school! And I asked the parents to repeat the sentence "My son is going to school next Monday!" 30 times a day to boost their confidence.
This is the law of attraction: give your clear instructions to the universe, and the universe will deliver them.
Sure enough, on Monday, the child returned to school life.
As long as the child has not quit the game or plays games for more than 4 hours a week, the problem is not completely solved. I will continue to follow up on this family's progress in controlling games and give guidance when appropriate.